MORE texts last night from a nightowl's phone

Here are some more random amusing text messages I received over the past few months, some of which are taken out of context:

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I can hear my new neighbor through the bathroom vent singing in the shower...he's working his way through the rent soundtrack

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(on Delaware traffic)
Son of a beach im not even [in] the flippin state and the traffic already starts. For the love of all that is holy someone bomb this state.

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Now I'm pooping. U can stop worrying.

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stuck in chicago ohare but i keep seeing tons of gorgeous men! you didn't mention the eyecandy when you told me about ur trip...

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you got caught up in the CROSSFIRE

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Asshole milo strikes again: the tissue box and a plastic bottle were the only fatalities

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and my fave nbcwashington headline: metro wants you to start snitching on operators

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Riddle me this. Waiting to get eyebrows done, another woman ahead of me. I start playing with her 4yrold son. She says "ur so good w/kids, do u have any?" I say no. Then woman doing eyebrows adds "she's single" I have never told this woman whether i was married or single. HOW DOES SHE KNOW THIS?! Is it written on my face? My eyebrows perhaps?

Me: Yeah how WOULD she know? Do we give off a scent of ramen and haagen daaz? That is $&%*#$% weird. Stalker?

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he isn't ethiopian!

Me: Holy shit. This is a first

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when i think about you i touch myself

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(watching post-1998 MJ videos on BET)
blood on the dance floor. also painfully bad

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Buy me 1000 drinks
Me: Welcome to the friend answering service! Choose from the following options: (a) No (b) Sure! Just give me "1,000 drinks" money (c) Give ME 1,000 drinks
Suck it!
Me: Coincidentally that is also choice (d) :-D